don't bother, they’re here
Were the Universe run by a caring, benevolent force, I would not be celebrating Christmas this year. Given the increasingly repugnant behavior of the radical religious right, I should just be enjoying my very own full-blown Christian boycott right about now. Throw the baby (Jesus) out with the (holy) bathwater, I say! But I have a Very Catholic mother to placate. And I have a slightly pathetic need to give gifts. And an Imp of the Perverse appears to be holding the reins of the Universe at the moment, so … I went Christmas shopping at the mall today.
Now, I’m not the biggest fan of My Fellow Man to begin with, but throw the mall and a throng of last-minute Christmas shoppers into the mix? Well, let’s just say that I’ve always assumed that if Hell is personalized to our individual terrors, I’ll be spending eternity naked in a very crowded public space, ankle-chained to my 12th-grade English teacher, with a loop of Send in the Clowns playing loudly as the spine-chilling accompaniment. After today, I’m fairly certain that the “public” in my Hell will be a Christmas-shopping public. And the Salvation Army bell ringers will be there, jingling out of rhythm to the Clowns.
But what really burned me today happened not in the pit-of-despair mall proper, but in the mall parking structure. There was some poor slob in a freaking gigantic white SUV trying to back out of a parking space. Because the space was very near the exit of the structure, none of the passing cars wanted the space, and so no one would yield to the SUV. I decided to embrace the Holiday Spirit and let the SUV back out. And as it was drifting backwards toward me, that bumper sticker came into view. That fucking red bumper sticker:
“MARRIAGE = [pant-clad stick figure of the sort one might see on the door of the gent’s wash room] + [A-line skirt-clad stick figure of the sort one might see on the door of the ladies’ wash room]”
Arrrrrrgh! I inadvertently and unnecessarily offered a small kindness to a “defense of marriage” freak. And the salt in my big gay wound? No wave! No common decency driver-to-driver thank you. Feh. Yeah, well, onward Christian soldier. How is it that so many of these self-righteous rat bastards can remember convenient quotes from Leviticus but can’t seem to remember the Golden Rule?
So a Happy Secular Winter Holiday to all, and to all a good night.
Now, I’m not the biggest fan of My Fellow Man to begin with, but throw the mall and a throng of last-minute Christmas shoppers into the mix? Well, let’s just say that I’ve always assumed that if Hell is personalized to our individual terrors, I’ll be spending eternity naked in a very crowded public space, ankle-chained to my 12th-grade English teacher, with a loop of Send in the Clowns playing loudly as the spine-chilling accompaniment. After today, I’m fairly certain that the “public” in my Hell will be a Christmas-shopping public. And the Salvation Army bell ringers will be there, jingling out of rhythm to the Clowns.
But what really burned me today happened not in the pit-of-despair mall proper, but in the mall parking structure. There was some poor slob in a freaking gigantic white SUV trying to back out of a parking space. Because the space was very near the exit of the structure, none of the passing cars wanted the space, and so no one would yield to the SUV. I decided to embrace the Holiday Spirit and let the SUV back out. And as it was drifting backwards toward me, that bumper sticker came into view. That fucking red bumper sticker:
“MARRIAGE = [pant-clad stick figure of the sort one might see on the door of the gent’s wash room] + [A-line skirt-clad stick figure of the sort one might see on the door of the ladies’ wash room]”
Arrrrrrgh! I inadvertently and unnecessarily offered a small kindness to a “defense of marriage” freak. And the salt in my big gay wound? No wave! No common decency driver-to-driver thank you. Feh. Yeah, well, onward Christian soldier. How is it that so many of these self-righteous rat bastards can remember convenient quotes from Leviticus but can’t seem to remember the Golden Rule?
So a Happy Secular Winter Holiday to all, and to all a good night.
posted by D of D&K at 6:03 PM
1 Comments:
That's great stuff. If only more of America knew how vital the wave was to our collective motoring sanity. I'd give my right kidney to a fellow driver if necessary, as long as I was guaranteed a courtesy wave out of the deal. Inversely, I'd forgive someone for running over my own mother if they gave me a wave and apologetic head-nod. The little things, y'know?
(thanks for the link, by the way)
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